So That’s Why These Past Few Weeks Have Been So Amazing…

Because someone’s been praying for me!

Here’s an e-mail from my aunt, who gave her life to Jesus a month or so ago on my Fall outreach to Portland. I can’t tell you how unbelievably happy and blessed I am by this:

Sister…. I am sending this to Adam too… so Adam even though it sound like I am talking more to sister, it is really something more for you but I couldn’t wait to tell your mom and keep forgetting.

Everytime I go to church it sounds like the preacher is talking to me. Since it seems like God is on my case hot and heavy, when the preacher talks I figured it was a sign that God is giving me steps to do things because he knows that I am not smart enough to figure out how to do what.  Well one of the sermans was about raising your child in a christian atmosphere and just raising them to be a child of god….. Well, I had such a hard time that I didn’t believe in god therefore I wasn’t going to honor him by teaching Olivia prayers…. I figured if she learned it on her own that was fine but I was feeling that it was stupid praying to someone that wasn’t real.  Well, when the preacher preached that particular serman, I thought he was telling me that he has shown me he was real, he validated things that has happened to me, ……there was something every Sunday and it was more when Justin (preacher) would get off of the subject.  After he preached on the parenting, that was the first time that Olivia had ever heard a prayer. The only little kids prayer I knew was: ‘now I lay me down to sleep’ prayer.  At the end I would say God bless mommy and daddy and Olivia and then I would ask her who she wanted to pray for.  Well she came up with Hope and Noah on her own a few times. That is 2 of the little kids that are in her little sunday school class that Sara runs plus we have been hanging out with their parents.  Well about 2 or 3 weeks ago, she began to start saying ADAM when I would ask her who she wants to pray about. I never one time initiated it at all.  She would be blessing her baby sheep and her tv and everything then she just came out with Adam.  I thought that was cute and sweet and I wanted Adam to know that. I kept meaning to tell both of yall about it and forgot it.   Thought about it tonight cause I laid down with her and forgot about her prayers and she brought them up so we said them.  In the middle of naming everybody she said, “Adam”….
I just thought that was really sweet. I don’t know if she remembers you or not because I found a pic of Austin in some wedding pictures that I added to FB and asked her who that was and she didn’t remember him. Don’t know if she remembers Leif or not. But she remembers the name for sure and I bet in order to remember the name she remembers seeing you here and so she remembers who you are.
Anyway, I just thought that was cute and sweet so I thought that you two would like to hear that.
MELODY

As They Say…

“I’m going to Onething!”

A Little Self-Deprecating Humor For A Change…

sigh…

Spring Outreach

So we found out where my Elevate class is going for our spring trips…

1. Uganda
2. Peru
3. Tunisia

So where am I going? Don’t know yet. Turns out, we get to pref where we’d like to go, and I’m not sure which I’ll choose. I’ve never had much interest in Latin America, so Peru is probably out. I absolutely LOVED Uganda when I went there a few years back, but I feel like I’d probably like to go somewhere I’ve never been. Plus, I’d like to go to a Muslim nation sometime in my lifetime, so now might be the perfect time for that with Tunisia. I’ll be sure to keep the internet world well updated, so don’t worry.

New Year’s Resolution.

Hello. Happy New Year.

This Sunday is the beginning of a new year, according to the Christian Liturgical Calender, which I’ve decided to observe this year. Not because I’m Catholic all of the sudden, or because liturgical stuff has, as of late, become really hip with the Emergent Church crowd, and most importantly not because I, in any way, want a sense of “religion” to begin to in any way direct or replace my relationship with Jesus. I just want to learn of the revelations of previous Church Fathers. Deuteronomy 29:29 says “the things revealed to us belong to us and our children forever.” I think sometimes, things don’t get passed down, and sometimes the younger generation doesn’t have enough respect for the Spiritual Inheritance they have available to them to learn from it. I think we were meant to build upon the foundations of our inheritance. There’s a great Bill Johnson sermon on this, and after we watched it in Elevate, I really felt this on my heart to do. I’m looking forward to it. I’m hoping to be able to read some writings of the early Church, study the Bible thematically following the themes of the year, and most of all, simplify. When Elisha wanted the mantle of Elijah, his test was a test of whole-heartedness. He wasn’t to take his eyes off Elijah, even if a chariot of fire was to pass by. I don’t want to be distracted in this time, finishing up Elevate and all. So I’m looking to give away and sell a lot of stuff. [So check with me often in order to find out if I'm selling anything you want.]

Aslan is on the move.

So the new year begins this Sunday, with the Advent. It’s a time all about the coming of Emmanuel. So, I’m looking to spend time in the Word focusing on themes like, Hope, Faith, the Second Coming, as well as the time leading up to the first. I’m also going to rid myself of facebook for the time leading up to Christmas. I’ll also be seeking ways to practically respond to the real spirit of the season. I’m thinking something like this:

I hope to be posting thoughts here from time to time. Thanks for reading. And if you want to contact me, don’t send me facebook messages. God bless.

Flash Fiction.

“Sophie Talks to her Little Sister.”

But what if all the rivers didn’t flow downstream anymore?

Huh?

You know, what if they just all the sudden turned around and ran uphill? What then?

Well. I dunno. I guess they’d all be caught up in on the hilltops then, wouldn’t they?

No.

They wouldn’t?

No.

Why not?

Because that’s silly. The hills could never hold all that water.

They couldn’t?

‘Course not.

Then where would all the water go?

Er… up to the sky, I guess.

You mean like, in the clouds?

Yeah! Just like Ms. Mullens says at school. Examination!

Evaporation?

Yeah! Examination!

But then the sky would be too full of water.

Yeah. It would have to rain.

It would.

It would be raining all the time! It’d just fill up so much with water it would have to let it all out. It wouldn’t be able to help it. It would be like when Mommy cries.

Mommy cries?

Yeah.

…When does she cry?

Oh just sometimes after we go to bed. Sometimes it takes me a long time to fall asleep.

Why does she cry?

I dunno. Hey what do you think it’s like to live in the clouds? You know, like all the water does?

I don’t know. Do you think Mom is sad?

Not all the time. I think she misses Daddy. When do you think he’s coming home? … Sophie? When do you think Daddy’s coming home?

I, uh. I don’t know.

Oh. Well I hope it’s soon.

Yeah. Me too.

Hey look! The picture I was drawing looks like a cross, doesn’t it?

Yeah. It does.

I wasn’t even paying attention, but it’s a pretty cross. Like the ones at church! Only without the dead guy on them. What’d the preacher say his name was again, Sophie?

Jesus.

Yeah. Jesus. I bet he cried a lot too, huh?

Yeah. Maybe.

Hey! I know! Why don’t I put this picture on Daddy’s pillow. D’you think that’d cheer Mommy up?

Huh… It’d probably make her cry.

Really? So you don’t think I should do it?

Er– No. I think maybe you should.

Really? But she’d cry.

I know. But it might be good tears.

Like the rain, Sophie?

Yeah, Peony. Just like the rain.

An Answer From Uncle Walt.

In reference to the previous post.

I too am not a bit tame– I too am untranslatable;

I sound my barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world.

-Leaves of Grass, 42. lines 1329-1330. Walt Whitman

YAAAAAAAAWP!

 

Alligators, Giraffes, and the Coming of the Christ.

It’s been a long, hard week.

It ended with a field trip to the zoo at work on Friday. I had kinda been wanting to go to the zoo ever since I heard they got an Orangutan. They also got a Kimono Dragon, but it’s just a little baby, so it’s kinda lame. The Orangutan ended up not being out when we were there. probably having to do with the rain. Anyway.

There was one little girl who got really scared. For the sake of student-teacher confidentiality, I will henceforth call her Sarah. It was the strangest thing. We were looking at a cage with a lot of birds and those little tiny monkeys and then we noticed Sarah standing off to herself, crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said something about not liking alligators. I told her we weren’t in the part of the zoo that had alligators. She didn’t really listen. So her and I stayed back until she calmed down and then we started making our way through the zoo, little by little. It was a sort of funny picture of the week for me.

First, we entered a little hut that had an aquarium in it showcasing local marine-life. At first, I couldn’t get her to go in. She thought the alligators were in here, and she wouldn’t listen when I told her they weren’t. I tried to take her by the hand, but she clung to a nearby water fountain. Eventually I got her to go in, under the condition that I carried her. I thought about how afraid I’ve been this week. Fear of loneliness, fear of rejection. I thought about the way I’ve feared intimacy with God this week. The way I’ve been afraid to give everything to Him because I’m afraid He’ll let me down like I’ve been let down before. I’ve clung to things, unwilling to see what’s next out of fear. But I’ve been able to move forward, not because of any courage on my part. Only because Father-God picked me up and carried me there.

When we got to the alligators, I was still carrying her, so I whispered in her ear, “Now hold on tight, Sarah, and shut your eyes if you need to,” then I carried her past the gator cage. I thought we had gotten through it all but then I noticed that there was still one tank I hadn’t noticed. The alligator was pressed right up against the glass. It kind of startled me. But then I noticed Sarah had opened her eyes and was just staring at the alligator. I felt like the Holy Spirit said, “It’s easy to be brave in my arms, son. Perfect love drives out all fear.”

Next we came to the nocturnal animal house, one of my favorite places in the zoo, because it has barn owls. I really like barn owls. Anyway, Sarah wouldn’t dare set foot in that building, once she saw how dark it was in there, so I had to sit outside with her, while the rest of the group went through. And I thought about how, earlier this week, Robert Herber gave a sermon about the high cost of discipleship. In it, he mentioned the loneliness that is often felt by people with the gift of apostleship. Afterwards, he gave an alter call for people who have that gifting. I didn’t go up. Even though people have repeatedly told me I have an apostolic gifting. I just felt that, if it meant more sadness and pain, I don’t know if I really want that. I felt like the Lord said “You can’t run away from your anointing. But I will sit with you until you’re ready to go into it.” And I wondered what I was missing. The nocturnal cage is really dark, yes. But I really like barn owls. I wondered what barn owls would be waiting for me once I decided to go there with God.

So, we kept trucking along. After the giraffes, Sarah got really anxious again. She wouldn’t follow me. She just sort of huddled up into a little ball. Her face contorted in pain and fear and a few tears squeezed their way out the sides of her eyes. I, having the zoo map, knew that we weren’t even heading towards any animals. The little cafe area was coming up. My back was starting to hurt from carrying both her and my bag, and I was starting to get a little impatient. “Come on, Sarah.” I said. “There are no animals up here. You’re not even afraid of anything in particular. You’re just afraid.” Then the Spirit of God said, “Just trust me, and you won’t be afraid, Adam.” I felt so convicted then and there, because I realized that I’m the same way. Half the time, I’m just fearful and melancholic without reason. I humbly went over to Sarah, bent down low and let her climb onto my back and carried her through the deserted concession area.

But the most humbling lesson I learned at the zoo that day came when we got to the tiger cage. Of course, Sarah got real scared and, as she clung to me, I asked her, “Why are you so afraid of the tigers? Look, they’re behind those bars.” “Yeah, but what if he bights through them?” “Well then, you see that pit down there? He’d fall all the way down there.” “But what if he climbed out?” “Well, in that case, Mr. Adam would protect you.” “You could beat up that tiger, Mr. Adam?” “Girl! You kid’n me?Of course I could!” I lied. “I could totally take down a tiger.” And as we walked on, God said, “If you could only trust that I am who I say I am, then you would have no fear.” And it’s so true. When I’ve been scared this week of loneliness, it’s because I didn’t really believe Him when He said I’m forgiven and loved. When I wore myself out earlier this week, not eating or sleeping because I was so worried about a friend, it was because I didn’t really believe he was big enough to carry her burden. When I was depressed this week, it was because I didn’t believe Him when He said He is the light in the darkness.

This time of year is not the easiest for me. I’m officially off from Elevate for Thanksgiving but I’ve got to be in Waco for another 4 days, because I’ve got work till Tuesday. I really just want to go home for the Holidays, already. I miss my family and I feel numb up here. The ironic thing is, I will feel just as numb in Houston. But at least I’ll be home. I’ve got to fight against this novocaine of the heart. I’ve got to be with Jesus. And with people. Even and particularly when I don’t want to. Which is often lately.

November 29th is Advent Sunday. It marks the beginning of the time of Advent in the Christian calender. This is a season characterized by hope. Expectation. Longing for the coming of the Christ.

Faith Sandwich.

This man wrote a book that is currently melting my face. Seriously. I got kind of drunk in the Spirit just reading it at Common Grounds. It’s called When Heaven Invades Earth: A Practical Guide to a Life of Miracles, by Bill Johnson. Chapter four, about faith, is particularly mind blowing.

I’m learning to just let go of that Western Mindset. It’s not a total departure from the use of my mind. It’s just a reordering of its purpose. A quote I like in Johnson’s book about this is: “The mind makes a wonderful servant, but a terrible master,” and it reminds me of when St. Augustine said, “Seek not to understand that you may believe, but believe that you may understand.” It also reminds me of when Solomon said, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom,” Or when St. Paul said, “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” It’s interesting that he said that in the book of Romans, which is a presentation of the gospel taylor-made to a western mindset. I’ve always interpreted that verse as meaning that it’s good to learn more and study more to intellectually prove something about the Christian faith to be true. But the problem is that’s just what you use your mind for in the natural world. To prove something, assert some sort of treatise for something’s validity. But the verse right before that one says “do not be conformed any longer to the patterns of this world.” I don’t think that what Paul is saying here is “don’t sin and also study more.” I think what he’s saying is “completely change the way you’ve always been taught to think!” The thing is, I’ve always been taught to guide my life by my mind. Even the decision to believe is often taught in churches as an intellectual acceptance of the Gospel. What’s the old Christian phrase we use? “Come to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ.” What happened to faith? The Bible teaches us to “walk by faith,” so we guide our lives with our faith. That pretty much completely throws out any dependance upon anything other than God out the window. And it’s terrifying. But also very true, if you believe in the Bible.

In conclusion, I think I really have lost my mind this time. And I’m pretty sure that’s Biblical.

I’m in a Good Place. I Promise.

Tonight’s one of those nights where I’ve had the privilege of sharing some really good conversation with a very awesome new friend and as such, my head is swimming with thoughts, so I’d like to get some of them off my chest here, but I feel obligated to first mention

PORTLAND!!!

Probably the best missions trip I’ve been on. Ever. In the past, I think I’d probably say that Uganda or one of the times I went to Juarez, or McAllen. I’d say this because I saw some really incredible things happen on those trips. I saw my first healing in Juarez, I saw a man get up out of a wheelchair in McAllen, I saw an extremely demon-possessed man completely set free in Uganda… So, I think it’s safe to say that in the past I’ve rated my trips based on how dramatic of a demonstration of the Holy Spirit I was privy to. [10 points for use of the word "privy" in this post, btw] But I’ve been learning something lately. Demonstrations of the Spirit are awesome and crazy, and they’re really encouraging to witness, but a faith built on these things is weak and shaky. I mean, I know a lot of people just want to know if God’s real, and if they could just see a miracle, then they could really run for Jesus. But I think it’s the foolishness of God that confounds the wise, that these things eventually fall away. Rather quickly, actually. I know of one guy who, Freshman year of college, got his life rocked by the Holy Spirit. We’re talking major glory showing up in his dorm room. The guy went nuts. He shared the gospel every chance he got, he struggled in school because he was always too busy praying for his professors, he saw a lot of fruit. Since then, he’s dropped out of school, stopped going to church and spends most of his evenings drunk or high. Also, one of the strongest atheists I know is a guy who was miraculously healed of being deaf in one ear. I would say that’s crazy, but I know it all too well. You have a miraculous encounter with God and are on fire, but after a little bit, you begin to rationalize that which is above reason. You begin to stuff God back into the little box from which He just burst.

All this to say, I don’t believe we build our faith of demonstrations of the Spirit’s power. We base it off of the truth of the word of God. The Holy Spirit is called the Spirit of Truth, after all. And that’s why Portland was so amazing. Yes, I got to bear a lot of fruit. I got to see three people saved in the most unchurched city in America. Lot’s of people are blown away by that. But really, there was just a lot of truth the Lord deposited into my heart that week. Here’s some…

Ignore the bad report. Everyone else says things like “people in Portland are closed to the Gospel. They are just really hard-hearted.” But Jesus said “the fields are ripe for the harvest.” It’s funny how when you believe in lies, you live them. After choosing to believe that Portlanders are ripe for the harvest, I found that I had a significant conversation with everyone I talked to, often ending up in that person either getting saved, or deciding to start coming to a Lifegroup or Sunday Service.

Don’t strive. Just be. It’s funny. God created us in His image, and yet we still try to share the gospel like this guy over here, or pray like that girl you see at church, or whatever. But if I’m created in the image of God, then I’m really not going to see as much fruit as I would if I were sharing the gospel like Adam, or praying like Adam, etc. It’s also just a lot more fun to follow Jesus when you’re just trying to be yourself in Christ.

Confession: I have a hard time receiving love. I’m planning on talking to a trusted older guy about that and getting free from it.

It’s okay not to perform. Kind of goes along with the not striving thing, but I just realized I can be vulnerable and God and His church will still love and accept me.

Also, the Lord is doing awesome things in my family

That’s all.

*** Note. I thought about not posting all this next part, but I’m trying to learn to be more vulnerable, so here it goes. Just please try to understand where I’m coming from and know that I really am okay, and will be okay. [See title of this post.]

Hello darkness my old friend.

I think that’s from a Simon and Garfunkle song, but I could be wrong. Anyway. I’ve been going through little times of depression for much of my life, and I think I’m starting to realize that it’s seasonal. I think it starts just a little bit in the winter and then usually gets worse in the spring. Then it’s gone for autumn and summer. At any rate, I’ve been feeling it start up again the last few days and definitely a bit yesterday, too.

This might seem off topic.

Every once in a while, someone will pray for my eyesight to be made 20/20. I usually say thanks to them for praying and smile, but really, I’d rather not be healed of bad eyesight. The truth is, I like having bad eye sight. I like wearing glasses. It’s sort of a part of who I am. I suppose I could get healed and then wear those fake glasses, but I feel like people that do that are kinda creepy and weird. That’s just what I think.

But really it’s not off topic.

I know it sounds masochistic, but I’m the same way with depression. For a long time I told people I don’t deal with depression, and I’d just act all happy and extroverted. I’m really good at that, by the way. I did theatre in highschool. But living like that ended up eating a hole through my belly and it wasn’t till a year or two ago that I actually began admitting it. The thing is, depression is a part of who I am and I think a lot of people think that’s a terrible thing and they want to pray that I would be “set free.” But it’s not a bad thing. It’s just a difficult thing. Solomon said “sadness makes the heart glad.” Yeah, I sometimes struggle with dark thoughts, or feeling lonely, or the feeling of just not wanting to get out of bed. Truth be told, there are lot’s of days I hate dealing with those things, but after I go through the dark times, I always come out thankful. Depression keeps me thankful. I’m thankful because I always grow closer to the Lord and because I get to know what the Psalmist was feeling when he said “The Lord dwells in thick darkness.” I also learn to hope. Hope is essential for getting through depression without it eating you alive. I also learn about Heaven, because Heaven is what I hope for in the dark seasons. I get to fall in love with the beauty of a place where no one gets sick anymore, no one has to loose a family member or friend, no one has to feel lonely ever again and nobody ever cries, except for tears of deep joy and thankfulness. That reminds me. I’m glad Heaven is not just a bunch of clouds that we float around in while wearing ugly white dresses for eternity. I don’t know why people think that. It’s also not a place where you go when you die. It’s a place that comes to Earth after you die and have slept until Jesus comes back. That’s just what the Bible says. And it looks a lot like Earth, only perfect.

That was a tangent. Anyway, I know people don’t like thinking or reading about depressed people, but I’ll share this as a last, encouraging thought. I asked Jimmey Siebert, my pastor, how he connects in intimacy with the Father during very dark or difficult times and he said this:

Intimacy is not a feeling. It is a commitment to One. When I am facing darkness, I know that my fixed point is Jesus, and He’s on the other side of that darkness, and I will refuse to stray to the right or left in search of a new fixed point that I will be more able to “feel” because I know that Jesus is the only place I will find a home for myself.

Then he said some other stuff, but I don’t think I caught much of it because my ears were still ringing with the truth of that last statement.